Finding a community

Almost two months have passed since I moved to New York.

I may document how everything’s been in a longer post in the future. But for this one, I wanted to quickly document some things I learned about finding a community.

Frequency matters

I always assumed this:

In this next meetup, I’ll meet that one soulmate. Or that group of friends that magically bonds with each other.

In reality, sure there may be occasions like that. But it’s rare.

Or maybe I’m just bad at small talk.

Anyhow, I realized that because I’m an introvert, and that situation is rare for me, frequency is important.

What do you mean by frequency?

The frequency of going to the same/similar event if I like the vibe & people.

For example, I went to a Sunday Rabbithole last week. I actually enjoyed the atmosphere and the people I met. And one of them started a writing club called Olive Tree Writing Club. So, I’m writing this article at their Sunday writing kickoff as you’re reading this. And I can really see myself coming to their future event and making friends with people here.

Making a connection is never a one-time thing. I have to put in effort into it and show up consistently.

Find a comfortable meetup format

I learned this a few days ago.

I went to Mahjong Happy Hour hosted by the wonderful Green Tile Social Club. To preface: Green Tile Social Club is amazing - I love what they’re doing. The event format just wasn’t suitable for me.

The format was: Find a table, play mahjong, and switch with others who aren’t playing.

Sounds simple and a no-brainer. But, for me as an introvert, after I left my table, all I saw was a sea of full tables.

And oh my - introversion kicked in real hard.

I walked around. I went to the restroom to reset. I walked around again.

And I left.

I don’t know - I just didn’t have the courage to walk up to a full table and ask if I could play the next round. I know - It sounds so stupid writing in retrospect. But, at the moment, I really couldn’t.

That’s when I realized: Finding a format that’s more suitable for me is important.

For me, that’ll probably be a format that forces me to talk to people. Like Green Tile Social Club’s Speedfriending event in October. Or a much smaller, tight-knit group event.

Say yes and find what excites me

My good friend Jason Sol once told me:

When you move to a new city, say yes to everything.

And I’ve been doing that ever since.

Whether the opportunity is something that excites me or not, I try to say yes to everything.

But, I want to remember: Amidst all of the yes-es, gradually find what I like. Curate that list of my top things/activities. And start to be more intentional in what I want to do.

Don’t just follow others - start and ask if others want to join. This brings me to my last point.

Create my own community

I learned this by watching this video.

In the video, Joey’s first point really resonated with me:

Always assume initiative and invite people.

He shared a really great story.

There was this guy who didn’t have that many friends. As he grew, his friends began to drift away from him. And he didn’t know why.

And he was getting very upset. Until one day, his very last friend finally stopped calling him.

Angry and confused, he ran up to his friend and asked:

Dude! Where’d you go? Why’d you stop calling me? Why don’t you invite me to stuff anymore?

And his friend turned to him and simply said:

It’s cause you don’t invite me anywhere. I figured you didn’t like hanging out with me.

That story changed the YouTuber’s perspective, and it changed mine too.

So, I plan to take a lot more initiative and bring people together. I’ll start small - maybe 3-4 people at a cafe discussing about design.

And once I have a coffee machine at home - that’s when things get serious.

Wrap up

Thinking back, I’m glad I came to New York. There is no other place where on a Sunday morning, I can write peacefully in a beautiful co-working space with people who also love to do so.

My goal is to find my little corner amongst in this city that never sleeps.

I just have to put myself out there.